Worst hotel reviews travelers leave is something every hotel manager dreads. Especially now where they can easily go global with all-so-popular trend in today’s social media. One very interesting trend hit the global net quite recently. The idea is that the citizens of some cities create special pages where they can write sarcastic comments about what pisses them off in their city. The only rule – sentences have to be reversed: “I’m so glad the metro is closed for the night – I love walking 10 blocks at 4 in the morning.” This trend inspired me to write about something else. I figured that if a page like that existed for terrible hotels, it would have at least these five sentences. So, I give you things you will never hear in a lousy hotel.
THIS HOTEL LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE IN THE PICUTRES
How do you usually choose your hotel? If you’re not visiting the same place again, and you don’t have anyone to advise you, you have to deal with it in another way. So you browse website after website, checking out hotels. You finally make up your mind based on what you read and the pictures you saw online. But after you arrive, you notice that the pictures you saw are severely out of date or massively retouched. The place that was surrounded with tall, pretty trees is now a construction site: the hotel is expanding. The noise is really loud and it wakes you up in the morning. Also, the hotel was supposed to be just about 10 minutes from the beach… well, maybe for Usain Bolt it is, but not for normal people – to them 10 minutes magically become half an hour. The hotel is equipped with a SPA and a gym? Let me tell you a secret, all you hotel marketers – a sauna and a few exercise bikes are not enough!
I’M LOVING MY ROOM – I COULD STAY HERE FOREVER
When you get to the room, the first thing you notice is that the electronic key is not only difficult to use, but also it shuts down the electricity in the room after you leave. So if you want to charge up your laptop battery, while you’re gone – you simply can’t. And don’t expect the sockets to be placed logically and/or accessibly. To plug in your charger you will most probably have to crawl under the bed or pull the heavy desk away from the wall. And the biggest problem is the furniture. Maybe it looks all modern and elegant, but it sure as hell isn’t comfortable. Oh, and it’s set in such a way that you will most definitely injure yourself getting to the bathroom in the middle of the night… And the mattress. Where do hotels buy those? I understand some people like it soft, but sinking in it and being suffocated by it is not exactly what I want to experience when falling asleep. Also, another tip for the hotels: if you put 2 single mattresses together, they won’t miraculously become a twin bed. No matter how thick the mattress topper is.
THE FOOD IN THE HOTEL RESTAURANT IS SO DELICIOUS
A restaurant in a hotel is a must. Apparently, this is the reason why some hotels run it: because they have to, not because they want to. They serve breakfast from 7 to 10 am, but when you get there at 8.50 there is almost no coffee, no more scrambled eggs and basically all that’s left is a small piece of cheese, some raspberry jam and tea. But the staff doesn’t bring more food. It’s no better during other meals. The restaurant is overcrowded and the waiters work so efficiently, that if they wanted to slow down a little, they would have to lie on the floor. So you have to wait for your order for no less than 70 minutes, but when you get it it’s still undercooked and too salty and just not worth the money and time spent on it. The chef is clearly in way over the chef’s hat.
THE HOTEL STAFF IS SO COMPETENT
The doormen prefer to talk to each other than to greet you at the door. The receptionist has difficulties finding your reservation, even though you give her all the details, including the booking number. When she finally finds it, she informs you your room isn’t ready yet, which seems odd, because it’s supposed to be ready nearly 2 hours ago, when the checking-in started. Did I mention, that the her English is barely understandable? You get to your room (the electronically steered, poorly equipped, even worse furnished room). Your baggage arrives over half an hour later, even though you told the bellhop you are more than capable of taking your suitcase on wheels to your room using the lift, but he insisted. And now he expects a tip for something you could’ve done yourself without too much effort and way faster than he did.
I PAID SO LITTLE FOR THE STAY – I’D LOVE TO SPEND SOME EXTRA MONEY IN THE HOTEL!
The tips are actually a whole different story, and they’re something I have problems understanding. Logical is that I tip for something that was done beyond my expectations. Yet, the staff in some hotels expects you to tip them every time they do something right (and sometimes if they make something wrong). As if they were doing you a favour and not their job. But even worse is the thing I like to call “hidden costs”. Imagine there is a complementary (as in free of charge) basket of fruits for you in the room. And right next to it there are some snacks (for example dried out biscuits). Those snacks cost additional couple of bucks each. But actually the one thing that is unacceptable for me is paying for WiFi – last time i checked we were in the 21st century – WiFi should be a standard everywhere!
As you can guess, the list can go on: Luckily, I can find the stairs so easily and I don’t have to wait forever for the lift to get to the second floor. The air conditioning works perfectly in my room, I’m not freezing at all. The robe and the slippers are so clean and comfortable – I so do not want to take a shower after I wear them for a while. I’m so glad I chose this hotel, I’m definitely going to come back here…